Anyone have any good jokes?

[Pike 100]

well I'd tell my joks but everyone here hahs probably heard them allready.

[Pchan 5,162]

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

[GundamFreakX 836]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"

[Saosin 209]

I've heard that one but it never gets old.

[Akira13 1,036]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA X'D

[Pchan 5,162]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[Sabe 2,444]

Here's one that'll make you think.

A teacher was giving her first graders a standard lesson, when the subject turned suddenly to God. To enforce her opinion that God didn't exist, the teacher turned to a little boy and asked him to look out the window. When he did, she asked him 3 questions.

"Can you see that tree?"

"Yes."

"Can you see the sky?"

"Yes."

"Can you see God?"

A pause. "No."

"That is because he isn't there."

The little girl who had started the conversation stood up. "Teacher, may I ask him some questions?"

"Yes, yes..."

She asked the little boy the same two questions the teacher did at first and got the same answers. Then, she called her classsmate over and pointed at the teacher. She then asked him, "Can you see the teachers brain?" The little boy told her no. She than said, "Then by what the teacher says, it doesn't exist."

Talk about the wisdom of children!

[Guest CrustyOld]

A guy gets pulled over for speeding.

"I was sitting up there on the hill with a radar gun and caught you at over 80mph." says the officer. "Why were you speeding?"

"I am a proctologist and there is an emergency" the calm Dr. replies.

"Proctologist eh. Well what kind of emergency could you be responding to?"

"There are a lot of things you can do with an ass, you can have ruptures, cancer, hemerhoids, you can even stretch one out to be almost six feel tall."

"Well what can you do with a six food assh*le?" the cop asks.

"You can stick him up on a hill with a radar gun thats what.":p

[Pchan 5,162]

Haha

[GundamFreakX 836]

I like them both. wanted to tell another, but g2g.

[Saosin 209]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

my friend told me this, but then I found it on ebaums world so...yeah

[Wolflord 1,488]

X'D I had to read that through twice before I got it!!!

okay so these two guys are walking through a construction site, and one man says "I bet you can't throw up a smartie and catch it in your mouth." To which the other man replied "of course I can't, if I throw it up, it won't come down" To which the other man replied "It will, let me show you." And so he walks over to a brickyard, grabs a brick, throws it up. Lo and behold, the brick floats up and away.

Okay I got a better one.

This man and his duck want to go to Africa. The man can't take his duck on the plane, so he instructs it to land on the wing and fly. So in the middle of the flight, the pilot says there will be turbulence, so the duck is shook off. He's flapping his wings, he's working his ass off, and the man is screaming and cheering him on. The duck makes it. Later on, the pilot announces turbulence again. So the duck is shook off. He's flapping his wings, he's flapping them, and then the duck gets hit by a brick!

It's funnier if I say it out loud. I forget all the rest.

[Hampstergeddon 100]

Ask your coworkers if they've ever had sex with a sheep as long as they wanted to.

when they say no, ask them what made them stop.

Hey Jonhson, You ever had sex with a sheep for as long as ya wanted?

No. I can't say that I have.

Really? What made you stop?

[Saiel 2,306]

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

A: You would, too, if your name was GWAAAAAAAH.

...okay, all I know are Helen Keller jokes. But they're the best.

[Hampstergeddon 100]

if you know the rubber ducky song.

Helen keller,

you're quite the find

thats because you're deaf and blind.

Helen Keller, I'm awfully fond of you.

doo doo dooby doo

Helen keller,

you're one of a kind.

Not just because you're deaf and blind.

Yes helen keller I love you its true.

Every day when I, make my wat to the coal mine

I find a

Little feller, named helen keller, and is blind.

Helen keller,

How can it be?

I love you, and, you cant see,

Helen keller I'm awfully proud of,

Helen keller you're one in a crowd, cause

Helen keller you're immune to sooooound

its true.

[kagome is so hot 100]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"

dude ive herd that joke so many times but it wasnt in that way i like it more in a new way that buddha for that

ok a man goes to catholic school for 12 years but isnt catholic so one day his friend askes" if you went to catholic school for 12 years why are u not a catholic" the man replies "because i went to catholic school for 12 years"

yes i know its from shorties wathin shorties but it rules

[Saosin 209]

Helen keller jokes are funny, If not alittle cruel.

[Sabe 2,444]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Wolflord 1,488]

X'D

Okay so a Japanese man lets call him Bob, went to a street, there were 11 houses. he went to the first house, knocked on the door, and when a man answered, he said "hey, what's your name." The man replied "Fu-king." Bob finished his census, went to the next house. Same thing. he keeps going until he gets to the last house, where an 8 y old boy answers. So bob says "Hi, you must be fu-king." To which the boy replied "no.. I'm watching TV."

[Mimiru 355]

lol these are all to good

[GundamFreakX 836]

I have two nun jokes:

1. There wee three nuns who were about to repaint the chapel. The priest told them not to get paint on their habits. So, they decided to strip nude while painting the room. Afterwards, someone knocks on the door. One of the nuns asked, "Who is it?" The man calls, "Blind man." The nun opens the door, and the man drops the blinds.

2. There were three nuns at a confessional. The first nun walks to the Pope and says, "Sir, i have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She says, "I lied." The pope replies, "Say Hail Mary three times and drink three glasses of holy water." This made the third nun chuckle.

The second nun walks up and says, "Sir, I have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She replies, "I have commited adultry." The pope looks sternly at her and says, "Say Hail Mary ten times while drinking ten glasses of holy water." This caused the third nun to burst out laughing.

So, the third nun walks up, still laughing, and says, "Sir, I have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She replies, laughing uncontrollably, "I peed in the holy water!"

[Sabe 2,444]

GFX, nice nun jokes, but the first one you mentioned, the last part(as I've always heard it) is, the nun opens the door and the guy looks at her and says, "Wow (what knock outs)! Where do you want your blinds hung?"

The parenthesis is because the joke is a bit more explicit the way I've heard it...

[GundamFreakX 836]

Well, I was told this joke in school during class. So, I think she didn't want to get into too much trouble.

There was a Chinese man who owned a restaurant. A man walks in and says, "I'll have a coke." So the Chinese man gives him a Coke. The man spits it out and says, "This tastes like pea!" Then, the Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, Me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."

Then, another man walks in and asks for a Coke. He spits it out, too, and says, "This tastes like pea!" The Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."

Then, a cowboy walks in and asks for a Coke. He spits is out and yells, "This tastes like pea!" the Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke." Then, the cowboy stands up and sings, "Me cowboy, me draw fast, me shoot bullet up your @$$!"

[CGRH-OneShotKill 66]

a man was looking for a gift to give his wife on christmas. he knew she liked pets,so he went to the pet store. he tells the clerk "i'm looking for a pet for my wife". the clerk says "we have a parrot that can sing christmas carols. the man,in amazement ,follows the clerk to the back of the store. the clerk lights a match and puts it under the parrots left foot,and the parrot begins singing jingle bells. he then places it under his right foot,and the parrot sings silent night. the man finally asks, does he sing any other songs? the clerk replies "nope,that's all he sings". so while the man is paying for the bird,he asks "what's the bird's name?" the clerk replies "Chet"

so,the next day,the man's wife is listening to the bird sing christmas carols,when she asks her husband "what else does it sing?" the man gets a brilliant idea. he lights a match and puts it between the parrots legs, and the parrot start's singing "chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"

[Saosin 209]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."