Anyone have any good jokes?

[Flying_Monkey 500]

My Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call

mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to

the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like

a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But

she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You

don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He

replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room

in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, Same here!

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A

cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 40 I clock in

the morning. I said, I'm looking for SeX. -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day

when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,

"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get

yourself a dog.

[Miyu 307]

a wife and a husband had a son, and a good home with three rooms.

when they became bankrupt they sold their house and had to rent a one roomed apartment. in the one bedroom they all slept in a bunk bed, the wife and husband on the top bunk and the son on the bottom bunk. the wife and husband still wanted to have sex so they made up word that meant different things to say when they were making love. tomato=go faster, pickles= go harder, and bread= perfect. one night they were making love and they kept on saying those three words. when the son said "mom dad can you stop making sandwiches? you're getting mayonase on me"

[Sabe 2,444]

Please don't take offence. I am actually dating a blond, and she thinks this joke is hilarious!

There wer three women on a desert island. One was a brunet, the second a red head, and the third a blond. One day, while looking for food, Red stumbles across a lamp. She takes it back to camp, and Brownie says, hey let's shine it up, it might be worth something. So Red starts wiping it off, and a genie comes out.

Looking at the three women he says, "Normally I grant three wishes, but since there is three of you...How 'bout one wish each."

Brownie says that she missed her bf and wished to be by his side. POOF! she disappears.

Red likes that idea, and wishes to be with her bf. POOF! she's gone.

The genie turns to Blondie, but she asks for a day to think, which the genie allows.

The next day, she goes to the genie with her wish. She looks at him and looks around, and says, "Ya know, it's kina lonely around here...I WISH MY FRIEND WERE HERE..."

[GundamFreakX 836]

1.There were three girls: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were going to take a trip to the desert. Each of them were going to bring an item for survival. The redhead walks out of the house and says, "I'm bringing food. In case we get hungry, we can eat some." And she walks toward the desert. Then, the brunette walks out and says, "I'm bringing water. In case we get thristy, we can drink some." And she walks toward the desert. Then, the blonde walks out and walks to the desert. The redhead and brunette ask, "What did you bring?" and she says, "A car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window."

2. There was this man who got in his truk and drove around to pick up some girls. He picks up a redhead and she sits in the middle. Then, she picked up the brunette and sits in the passenger seat. Then, he picks up a blonde and she gets in the bed of the truck. Then, he crashes into a river. The man, redhead, and brunette swim back to the shore. 5 minutes later, the blonde comes up. "What took you so long?" the man asked, and she said, "The tailgate wouldn't open."

[Miyu 307]

there were three gays doing each other, when one of the said "i'll be right back i'm going to get a drink of water, dont do anything while i'm gone." when he came back there were semen all over the walls "i told you guys not to do anything." the guy says. "we didnt, the other guy farted"

gross.

[GundamFreakX 836]

eerie...

[Flying_Monkey 500]

sick

[Mimiru 355]

there were three gays doing each other, when one of the said "i'll be right back i'm going to get a drink of water, dont do anything while i'm gone." when he came back there were semen all over the walls "i told you guys not to do anything." the guy says. "we didnt, the other guy farted"

gross.

idont get it...

[Wolflord 1,488]

*EXPLICIT*

Okay so a man is going away on a business trip for a year and a half. he wants to get his wife a dildo so that she won't sleep around while he's away. He goes to the dildo store and there's nothing there that looks good enough. So he asks the shopkeeper what will keep his wife busy for a year and a half. The man replies "We have the voodoo dick. Watch." He takes out a box, opens it, and inside is a wooden dildo that has runes carved on it. "voodoo dick, the keyhole." He says. The dildo pops out of its box, flies over to the keyhole and starts screwing it. The man then orders it back into the box. The man bought it, and left the shop feeling very satisfied with it.

When he gets home, he tells his wife about it, and says "all you have to do is say voodoo dick, my vagina, and it will start doing you." So one day, she's feeling horny, and takes it out. "voodoo dick, my vagina." She says, and it flies out and starts screwing her. After 3 incredible orgasms, she feels like she should stop. Unfortunately, her husband never told her how to get it out. She puts on a skirt, and goes to the hospital.

On the way, she has another orgasm. She swerves and almost hits a cop. The cop pulls her over and asks her to explain herself. The whole story about the voodoo dick just pours out of her, and when she is done, the cop laughs at her and says "yea sure, voodoo dick, my ass."

X'D long

[Gundam-Ranger-X 1,988]

X'D X'D X'D X'D X'D X'D

[Guyver 681]

X'd

[Wolflord 1,488]

A man walks into a bar

ouch that must hurt X'D... so stupid but so funny

[Akira13 1,036]

idont get it...

I get it, but its disgusting and unfunny.

[Miyu 307]

OK then

Why did raggidy ann get kicked out of the toy box?

she sat on ponichio's nose and said lie lie lie.

[Hell_Cat_18 1,359]

God damnX'DX'DX'D I'll have to come back and read these some other time, I'm laughing to hard in public, and people are starting to look at me.

[Flying_Monkey 500]

The voodoo dildo one is too funny, i can't stop laughing.

[GundamFreakX 836]

ROTFLMFAO! The voodoo one's got me busting a gut!

[Wolflord 1,488]

okay umm... (this isnt meant to offend those religious people) Why do ladies love jesus? He has a second coming. Why Do ladies hate jesus? He takes 2 days to rise!

i had to.

[Pchan 5,162]

Very funny jokes you guys .... here's one though

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

----------

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.

"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.

"I was on top ", was the reply.

"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies ? ..."

[Flying_Monkey 500]

hahahahahahahaha

funny funny stuff

[Wolflord 1,488]

X'd

[Pchan 5,162]

That Voodoo Dick one, I saw it last year as a Flash Joke. And it's even funnier because Voodoo DIck has a voice too and he sounds like "God".

[Flying_Monkey 500]

wow I want to see that.

[Pchan 5,162]

Ok here're two more, but I dunno if they're offensive or not. So I apologize if they are

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your wee-wee like the monks did?"

-------------

A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

[Gundam-Ranger-X 1,988]

haha