Life, family, and decisions

[Sana-chan 116]

I'm so upset about this I don't even know where to start.

Sophmore year through senior year sucked.

After a certain breaking point in my life I was diagnosed Bi-Polar 1 disorder.

I caved and let my mother take me to a doctor to get checked out and get some meds.

The meds they gave me (abilify) had a TERRIBLE side effect.

only in adolescent FEMALES would there be a huge weight gain

i went from 125 pounds to 185 within a couple of months.

I have still am having a hard time dropping this weight.

I've switched from medication to medication.

Graduation.. I broke out in hives from my meds three days before.

This isn't a normal graduation either... White wedding dresses are worn. it's stupid really..

anyway, i stopped taking my meds during may of 2006 and I started going to sac state. Things were going better than usual. I could stick around at school if I didnt wanna go home.

First thing went wrong.. My boyfriend from frosh year in high school was killed in a motorcycle accident. A few days later, one of my close friends attempted suicide. She's fine now and regrets ever attempting.. but.. it really affected me. I had to drop a few classes. At that point, nothing mattered to me anymore. So I talked my parents into letting me withdraw from my classes. So, I got the rest of the semester off and I was told either I work or I go back to school

Got a job at a local raley's they treated me like crap. wont go into that. quit after two weeks. (xmas season lol)

I signed up for classes at a community college. I kid you not I broke down 2 am the day i was supposed to go.

Talked my parents outta making me go.

For two months I was looking for a job. I lost track of how many applications I turned in.

I then told my parents I wanted to move to santa cruz. that didnt go to well.

My parents told me I needed to work at least two months before I could move. Well.. I wasted two months looking for a job.

Never got a call back from anyone.

So, February 13, I had my stuff packed up and I had a little money and i left a note on my kitchen counter saying where i went.

here I am, in santa cruz. living in an apartment with my boyfriend and two other people.

havent had to pay rent yet. wont have to pay until next month because i just recently got a job.

My parents are dealing with this. I know it was a stupid thing to do.

But, is it so wrong that I am much happier here?

is it so wrong that i can actually be myself? not having to hide anything.

i havent been this happy in a while, but why must i still feel guilty?

if im so happy, why should i feel bad.

i hate my parents.. they put me through hell and never appreciated me for me. i always had to explain every single thing to them.

I had gotten my lip pierced. i liked it a lot.

but my mom convinced me to switch it from a loop to a stud. a month too soon.

it started closing up cuz i didnt have the right kind of stud.

and i had to take it out.

i miss it terribly, but i cant get another lip piercing because of my job...

i do miss home. i miss my puppy and i cant believe im saying this, but i miss my parents.

how can someone who hates the nagging and the fact i never got a say in things that happened to me miss it..?

[COBRA 378]

it's good you're happier now, though it's quite possible you're feeling gulity because it's something for you're self. seemed alot of the things you did before had to revole around other's, and what they wanted. leaveing behind all the things you had before can contribute to it as well, missing all the things you loved, like you're puppy, and you're parents, you can feel gulity, because you're not there with the things you love. but sometimes you need to do whats just best for everyone. if you're parents are doing well with this, and you're happy. then it may take some time, but things should fall in to place. the gulity might ease up or just go away completely.

sorry about the things that you've been through, life sucks majorly sometimes!(ok so like most of the time)

[Sana-chan 116]

let's make this a little bit worse.

someone i have known since i was like.. 11

attempted suicide. i dont know when. but he let go of the wheel of his truck, and flipped it in a ditch.

he's alive but he said he wasn't ashamed of doing so.

how much more of this can one take?

im breaking and i dont know what to do.

i cant get ahold of him either...

what is left for me to do?

[gokuDX7 2,871]

jeez whats with people in your city/town and attempting suicide? Is there something in the water :/ ?

I'm sure things will work out for you. If I where you id definitely get at least an associates degree in something. Most good paying jobs look for college students so you will definitely make your life easier if you got a degree in something for future job hunts.

[CabbitGirl 4,018]

if youre happier where you are, then stay there. im sure your parents understand. its alright to feel guilty, and even miss them. they were the people who taught you everything and even if they didnt understand you completely or questioned you all the time, theyre still your parents. leaving behind all of the questioning and nagging and doing stuff on your own without wondering what your parents would think is a good thing. its nice to leave it behind and thats probably why youre really happy =3 that and probably living with people around your own generation has something to do with it too.

i dont know what to do about your friend though... obviously theres a lot of stuff going on with him that maybe you dont know about. my only advice to you right now is to figure out where he might be if hes not picking up the phone. the only way to check on him is probably just to go out and search =/

[Ladywriter 7,783]

what is left for me to do?

Get back on medication thats what. If you aren't coping well and the mood is down the door to horrific disaster is open. I went through shitz w/ meds too. Prozac bloated me up like fuckin Shamoo and it didn't work for shit. You're old enough and have been off meds long enough to try something different and actually find your working pharmie cocktail. For me Zoloft keeps the big D away and I take gabapentin as a mood stabalizer; I rapid cycle I also keep a bottle of Trazadone handy for when I really need sleep.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a good doc. A lot of hospitals have an info page for their dr's, theres a ton of dr sites and a huge listing. My Dr is teh awsome. He listens and adjusts medication accordingly. He's the one who got me on what I'm on now, its worked for me for years.

Its a tricky combo you-dr-meds and you don't always get it right the first (or first 12) time. So before you obsess over all this shit you can't do anything about do what you can do; get yerself straight. Find a doc, try a different antidepressant. It will take the edge off and then you can think clearly. You should get yourself in a comfortable place and try pt time com college next year. Don't force yourself into stressful situations. Take up a hobby, something you can do anywhere- reading writing walking whatever.

Bi Polar is something that should be aggressively dealt w early on. Learn to manage that shit and keep it in check or it will rule your life.

ps

get some non emo friends

[COBRA 378]

Bi Polar is something that should be aggressively dealt w early on. Learn to manage that shit and keep it in check or it will rule your life.

YES! agreeded!

[slippers 3,168]

My boyfriend from frosh year in high school was killed in a motorcycle accident.

woah, the frodo looking guy you liked or was someone else?

[Sana-chan 116]

someone else.

dunno if i posted a pic of him.. prolly did

the one that was 6'8"

[sesshogirl1101 100]

even if there are really bad moments, things will lighten up eventually. i cant wait for those days.